January 07, 2011

Finding pieces of YOU... Part one...


      (I have decided to document pieces of my life as an adoptive parent and as an adoptee.  These are my words and my heart and my experiences.  I record them here for my self and my children and for you if you can learn from them or are interested. If you do not agree with my experiences or my opinions you are entitled to your own pieces...  and opinions. ( I only ask that if you comment on these posts to do so with kindness.)

      Our lives  changed drastically in 1985 when we adopted our first daughter from Korea.  We had two bio sons already and I longed for a daughter. We knew we wanted to adopt. We had dear friends in another state who had adopted a daughter from Korea and when we met with our friends and we met their daughter  we knew in our hearts that Korea was where our daughter would come from.  We really did not consider a domestic American adoption.  (Why?  Because we knew that domestic adoptions were really for those infertile couples who wanted and needed a really young baby.  We did not seek foster or state adoptions because we knew of couples who had severe trouble keeping children who were returned to birth parents after years of having these children living with them for years and it just about killed both them and the child they lost.  We could not do it.)  Once we met with our friends it was as if God was directing us and we finally had a way... and we were on our set  path to  GO.  And pieces of "How" this adoption of our daughter would be accomplished started "falling" into place with our much effort on our part.  I had decided to do a home day care as an at home business because I had always wanted to be at home for our children. As it turned out the woman who did the certification also was a social worker with Holt Children's Services.  During our interview she asked us if we had ever considered adoption?  I had a smile on my face because I knew, that I knew God was at work.  We began a home study that very month with Holt.  Our lives were then "totally" consumed with adopting our little girl.

     (I want to say as kind of a side note,that we have had a long relationship through the years with Holt.  All but one of our five children were adopted through Holt International Children's Services.   We love and respect Holt very much. But... it has been like a family relationship through the years too. Nothing stays the same and when we first were involved with Holt it was more like a huge family with Grandma Holt as every ones grandma.  Change, of course, can be  good and bad but it is  necessary for growth.   I want to say I respect Holt very much and appreciate what they have done for children in need very much.  And I miss grandma Holt.  She was one of those Christian women who you wanted to be around and you wanted to be able to glean from her life experiences and she was fun. She was genuine and had a quite peace about her but she also could be a dynamo when she was fighting for her children!   I am thankful I got to meet her. I look forward to seeing her again in heaven.)

       I am also an adoptee.  I was adopted at birth in a domestic private adoption.  I did not have a wonderful picture book adoption story.  I do not believe  there could ever be any adoption like that.  But I know many potential adoptive parents dream of this for the child they adopt.
      They become stuck in a world that is almost like a dream world.  All pink or blue and happy and smiling...  And they really and sincerely do want to make the child they adopt to feel loved and happy and well adjusted. They want to heal their child's hurts.  Adoptive parents really all want to do the best they can for their child.  But Adoption does not come from a  happy place.  If we  lived our lives in a perfect world, adoption would never be a reality for any child.  But we do live in a real world.  Tragedies do happen.  People can be selfish and mean and damaged and dangerous and children get lost and hurt in the results.   Governments can also keep parents from keeping children they desire very much. War can separate families and children get lost in drastic life events...Even with the best of intentions all parents make mistakes because they are human...  And some first parents can not keep the  children they gave life to.   Not "just" because they are too young or it is an inconvenient time to have a child.. or ya da ya da...  But because some times children would DIE if left in bad circumstances with the adult or first parent who is their biological parent. Then adoption is a life saving event for a child.  And, in truth I think most adoptees are adopted out of life events that allow adoption to SAVE their lives.  I know that some believe children are stolen for adoption, and with the evil that does exist in the world, I know that could be true for some children. But I believe it is true only for a very small number of children.  If you are adopted you were adopted. You were not stolen or sold or bought.  Life is life and you were adopted. Adoption is not some dirty word. It allows children to live who might other wise not live.  If you are an adoptee and angry at your first parents or your adoptive parents I hope you can learn to forgive and to love and live your life with happiness.  Because if you were adopted,  you were given a second chance and that is what I believe for my life too.  I was moved by Gods own hand from where I was... to where I needed to be...  for a good purpose in my life.   I believe this....

part two soon...


Lisa said...

Beautiful post! I love reading your blog!

Sally-Girl! said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I look forward getting to "know" you!!

I love this post as an adoptive mother and as an adoptee myself!! Takes us a while sometimes to get to that place but it is what I believe as well!!!

Join me in China this next week as we bring Gracie Mae home!!! I will need all the encouragement that I can get while I travel alone for the first time in all our adoptions!

Aus said...

Dawn - wow - I'm looking forward to the rest of this! While no two experiences or stories are the same - this kind of insight - from both sides of adoption - is incredible! Thanks for opening your heart to us!

hugs - aus and co.

TanyaLea said...

This is so well written, Dawn... thank you for sharing. I can't wait to read part 2. I was not adopted myself, but I was not raised by my biological father. I was later reunited with him at the age of 25. It was a VERY emotional time in my life, and I went through a circle of emotions that I never even knew existed within me. I cannot imagine having gone through that without the support of my amazing hubby and my mom ...and mostly, GOD in my life. My one and only rock solid father-figure. My Heavenly Father. I believe that the sense of idenity issues that I went through will help me to remain sensitive to Khloe as she grows. But hearing your story from your point of view has been so helpful, too. Thank you for saying that "Adoption is not some dirty word..." I appreciate every bit of what you wrote. God bless you friend, and thanks for this post!