March 09, 2011

Finding pieces of YOU... Part 3

    You will never be at peace in your life until you find all of your missing pieces.....


       I do believe every adoptee needs to find out as much as they possibly can about who they are and who they were at birth.  Finding out every thing is pretty much an impossibility.  And for some adoptees, like my daughter from China,  finding any pieces of their lives before adoption or the "why" they were placed for adoption might be impossible.  That does not mean you as a person will  not be whole... it means that being an adoptee is a life journey,  A continuing process. Who I was at 16 was not who I was at 34 or even now...  I am still me.   I believe all adoptees have the right to all the information of their births and all birth family history.  They are separate people from birth parents.  They do not need protecting as adults and this information no longer belongs to the birth family but to the adoptee.

      And with this statement I begin  part three...  This post should be entitled.....

      MY MOTHERS:   MY SELF....

     When I was born my mother never saw me. She was "knocked out" and I was delivered by forceps. I know this because I have the dents from the forceps on my head to this day.  I never had a name, I never was held by her or  had all my fingers and toes counted, I was never told how pretty I was or welcomed in any way.... I was never held to my mothers chest and kissed... I was placed in back room away from the other babies... I was going to be adopted.   My mother was not even on the same floor in the hospital as I was.She did not want to hear the babies crying and wonder if it was me...
Because I was adopted in the 50's and this was how adoption was done in private adoptions at that time.  My mother was not a young teen girl unwed she was 34 a divorcee with two other children she was trying to raise and educate.  She had just finalized her divorce from my father and wanted nothing of this charming, drunken  and abusive man left in her life.  I was her third child. And she knew she could not keep me...  So she stumbled numbly through a very hard pregnancy and decided adoption for me just before my birth.   (Thank you God that I am here at all).....I was told my father tried to kidnap me from the hospital to try to keep my mother with him...   it did not work.  My mother refused to leave the hospital until my adoptive family came for me... feeling badly enough about not being able to raise her child she could not imagine abandoning her child alone at the hospital.  Even though she never had seen me.
This was the wisdom of the day for birth moms... just don't look at your child and never touch them and move on with your life and it will all be alright.  Well, it was not alright for my mom.  But she left the hospital and I left in the arms of an aunt and uncle.... whom my birth mom and aunt were told was the adopting parents.  I stayed with my new aunt and uncle a week while my new family traveled to collect me.
    And my mother went home to her two other children and told them I had died.... and thus I became the familes dark secret... as my sister calls me.  And my mother was not ever the same...

    I know all this information because I was told it be my moms and by my sister and by legal paperwork that I found....  I have never spoken to my father. I never really wanted to... I wanted to find my mom and my sister and brother... but never him.  Knowing what I know now I see God's hand every where in my life as a baby.... it seems sad and it is I guess.  But God was always caring for me...
and always He wanted to give me a future and a hope.... just like he wants for all of us... especially those who are adopted.  Life is messy, ugly and beautiful all at the same time....it is never just bad or just beautiful.

   I love my adoptive mom and dad.  My dad has passed and my mom is 88. My mom is the most compassionate woman I have ever met.  She is not too demonstrative but her heart is deep and she loves completely and wholly. And she is a strong woman just as my first mom.  And my heart was just about broken in two when my mom and my first mom met and hugged each other.  I admire and love them both and I am part of them both... all the good and the not so good.  They had a special relationship which lasted until  this last year when my first mom died.  I felt so thankful to have been able to know my first mom and to have her tell me she loved me and that she was happy that I found her and that it had given her peace.  No one can forget their child...it is a hard road to walk to be a first mom.
I found peace in the ways we were alike...we both loved to read more then any physical activity... we both laughed at the same dry humor...  many things I found out gave me the peace I needed too.

   I met my first mom at age 45 after a "finder" looked for her for two weeks.  And in truth she found my sister first... and this is what I wanted for all my life to find my sister. I grew up an only child and always wanted to have a sister.  So now I have my sister in my life. We look alike and even our children can not believe how much we are alike. My sister has one daughter who looks Asian and all my daughters are Asian.  My first daughter and her first daughter are almost the same age and I found a picture of my sister and her daughter that I thought was me and my daughter...    It took me a while to realize it was not me and Lacey.....
    One thing I find weird and my first mom laughed about is how my sister and I  both look like my adoptive mom.  Especially my sister....  and she and my adoptive mom love flowers and all things garden.... Me NOT so much.  I had a birth mark in the same place my adoptive mom did... life just has those moments when you know this is how it was meant to be.

    No, I do not think we can simply say, God meant for me to not live with my bio family. Does God hurt one family to bless another?  It is just not that simple.  Every one of us is blessed by God with Choices in our lives... and those choices can hurt us and others.  Some of us never have a choice in where we live in our governments plan of what a family should be, some of us live lives of poverty...
I know that God's good plan is to give us blessing and futures and hopes. I am not God I see this earthly life from only one side... and His side has many angles...I trust Him and the older I get I see a good and loving Father.  We may suffer through many tough times on our journey but in the end...
He blesses us  and cares for us and in the end...   We Win... in a battle that He has already fought for us.

     Thank you God for the mothers you gave to me.... 

  
"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28

3 comments:

Aus said...

Good morning Dawn - thanks for opening your heart and sharing your life! But mostly I'm overjoyed that you all could reach closure before it was too late! For many years I was estranged from my big brother - not because of anything he had done to me - but becasue there were 'issues' between him and mom and dad. The short version is that he reached out to me - and we connected - and had many good years together before he went on. You have no idea how happy I am with you that all of you got this chance at resolution!

You really have got your head together on this one - and it gives me some insight into how our kids will feel someday!

hugs - major - aus and co.

Adoption Mama said...

Dawn, Just the post I needed to read...for my oldest adopted son. He is really struggling...please pray for him to embrace God's plan for him...and to forgive his birth mother...he is really struggling with this "rejection"...I am praying about printing this off and giving it to him. Thank you for your insight.

Carrie said...

love the post thatnk you