June 16, 2011

RAD breaks hearts...





   How many times can I say I love you and be told in anger, "NO, you do not, you never did?"  How many times can I hear what a failure I am?  How many times can I defend my self against lies that never happened?  How many times can I close  up  my heart and remember the little girl you used to be and cry for her because I miss her so badly? It is not your fault, and it is not mine.
     RAD (reactive attachment disorder) is a monster in my life... swallowing up my hopes and dreams... for the life I wanted for my precious, beloved little one.  RAD children CAN grow up to be RAD adult children...   And it is horrible and painful and an ongoing destructive oppression in all our lives.  It has enclosed from us one who we love. All of us are affected...I can not stop saying I love you no matter how much you hate to hear it and blame me for  all your pain.  I was the one who wanted to heal your pain with my love and I really felt I loved you enough to be able to do that....But I know now it is  the demon monster RAD who makes you feel you are never enough, you will never be loved and you are bad.  I hate this monster...
     No child should ever be left by their  parents... abandoned. No child should be beaten and starved or sexually abused by those who are supposed to protect her.  What happened in your life was not right. I do not even know all that you have experienced. I am not sure you  know what is real and what is not about your past any more. I would have gone to my death trying to protect you and keep those things from happening to you, if I could have...  Then you could have felt loved and felt whole and not have needed to have been adopted.But that was not reality for you...or us.
    I'm sorry you  felt I wanted you to be perfect... that was not it. I just wanted you healed. I shared your anger at our God at times because that healing did not seem to be happening... But I know also to Him is the only place we can go for healing.... I love you even with this monster between us and I always will.  I can take your blame for the pain you carry. It is awful and heavy... but I will never stop praying...and loving you. YOU ARE ENOUGH. I APPROVE OF YOU. I'm sorry too that I could not be perfect enough for you. I am sorry you are hurt... Saying that means you feel that the person on the other end will forgive you for what needs forgiving and you will become reconciled to each other and a new start will begin... if only this could be true. Only Jesus...
   WE all need healing... but only if we lay our pain at the feet of our Savior "our selves" can we find it. Healing can happen quickly or it can take a long time... but we all have to take those steps toward it ourselves. I can not do it for any of my children. I know that now... I could not ever have been perfect enough to heal you. I could not ever have been wise enough to see all I needed to see or "catch" it all to make this all never have happened to you or our family.  I do not regret making you our daughter and sister. I never would have wanted to miss you in my life. No amount of money or success by the worlds standards will lead to this healing and peace.  We need to seek the Savior to save and heal us. That is why he came and we can not do it ourselves...

Only Jesus...   I love you...

2 comments:

Aus said...

Wow Dawn - feel us holding you close right now! Our 2nd adopted is now relaxing enough to show some PTSDish behavior every night at bed time - last night she was acting like someone was choking her...and if I ever find out who is responsible for that....you know that rage well too.

There's a lot in this post - and I'm no expert in RAD or how to help anyone cope with that - but - I do know a little something after my 50+ years on this earth about how to support people...and I'll offer that support in any way I can - no I can't just "stop over" and give you a break (at least I don't think I can!) - but always willing to communicate!

Many prayers and hugs - aus and co.

Dawn said...

Thanks Aus.. (this is an adult child of ours)... I know all of our children have differing amounts of this problem and I know many do also suffer from PTSD. We can pray and do what we know to do... it is a hard road. I had a mom tell me that every day she has to lay her child and her self at the feet of Jesus. only Jesus...